Tag Children, Stop The Shit Music

I hate kids. Little bastard kids running about, standing in shop doorways when you're trying to get in, shouting about something meaningless when all you want to do is buy a bottle of vodka and some lighter fluid so you can get drunk and set fire to things while trying to ignore the fact that life isn't getting any easier.

Toddlers, fine, they should be allowed out as they haven't figured out how to piss me off yet. But as soon as they hit 11 they should be gagged so no-one has to listen to their pointless fucking talking about things that I don't care about or they have no knowledge of. I know this seems unfair seeming as I too was an 11 year old, but you see I was a badass 11 year old and if you had met me when I was a kid, you wouldn't want to have any of your own, ever, because you would know they could never be like me.

After signing out of shitty hotmail today I noticed a link to a "10 worst cover songs of all time" style article on MSN. I usually ignore this shit, but the alternative was working so I decided to see what they had in there. To no particular surprise there was the usual Will Young, GGGareth Gates etc. pop shite that everyone knows is pop shite but for some reason gets released and makes it to number one.

Two problems then presented themselves to my truly ingenious brain...

a) If everyone knows this shit is bad, how does it sell so well, and who keeps buying the shit from every manufactured band/singer/mime-artist that the industry churns out?

b) How are these talentless wankstains allowed to record these cover versions?

...before long my squidgy grey think muscle had remembered that I need some more shampoo, thought about sex, considered wanking, decided not to have a wank right now, remembered I have no money to buy shampoo, calculated the average time it would take to go to a cashpoint, decided greasy hair looks rugged, remembered that chicks dig rugged dudes, thought about sex, then worked out the answer to the above questions.

a) Everyone knows the "it's the little 12 year old idiot kids who get suckered into buying this shit" argument, but is it true? how many of the little fuckers are there? Is this children of the corn, are there just cities full of brainwashed kids queueing up round the block to get their copy of Will Young's new album "Bumlove's Child"?

According to the National Statistics Online figures, 20% of the UK population were under 16 in 2001.
If we take that as a generous 3% of the population are exactly 12 years old then we get....

UK population: 58,789,194
Total Number of 12 Year Olds: 1,763,676   (note: too many)

Total Number of Copies Of "Will Young - Evergreen" sold: 1,108,269

Therefore: 665,407 of those 12 year olds were either too fat and lazy to go any buy a copy, didn't want to buy a copy (doubtful) or were being abused (character building) throughout the week of its release.

...My conclusion to this is that yes, we are surrounded by little kids who get to decide what music is popular. Kids who have shit taste in music.....get to decide what will be played on most radio stations.....little kids....my radio. No I'm sorry that's a totally cock idea, and to reverse this horrible state of affairs I say we tag children with excessively painful chips in their heads so that whenever they buy a single, it can be counted and excluded from the sales number for that record. Then we sit back, and watch the real record sales reveal themselves. Goodbye GGGareth

b)  The problem with cover songs is the original artist is so desperate for the cash to fund their exponential drug habits they will happily sell the rights to their songs to the next boyband that wants to pretend they are musicians. To stop this, I propose we form a board of music judges that every person who wants to record a cover must approach. As the head judge of this board, I will confer with my deputies and we will decide if it is acceptable, and check it against a list of no-no's. Simon Cowell will also be tagged so if he attempts to enter the building his genitals will explode, alla Running Man, but focused more on the jizz-sac.

Once again, I have the definitive solution to another problem with the world, gratitude is welcome as is cash and all major credit cards. If you have any ideas as to how the tagging could be implemented, you know how to contact me.

Remember, it has to be painful.